Today is Sunday, May 11, 2014 - Mothers' Day.
Today is my first Mothers' Day where I have my precious son to hold in my arms. I'm working really hard to be positive and to see the good in my own motherhood and to celebrate how truly blessed I am, but it's hard when it's simultaneously my first Mothers' Day without my own mama.
It's the first Mothers' Day where instead of taking flowers to her at her house, I'll take them to her grave. The first time I won't buy a silly card for her because she can no longer read it. The first time I have to wonder where she is and does she know how much she's missed and loved? The first time I can't hug my mama on MOTHERS' DAY. Now that just doesn't seem fair.
When I start to feel envious of those who still have their moms (and let's be honest - it's frequent, as today everyone has a picture or post about their moms), I try to remember that none of them are MY mom. None of them help lead my girl scout troop, or created scavenger hunts for holidays. No one else let me sneak frozen Christmas cookies out of the freezer, or let me sit in their bathroom to talk when I needed advice. No one else made it to all of my school plays, concerts, parent-teacher conferences, or cleaned my puke off the stairs. No one sneaked my Facebook pictures offline so she could have a copy. No one else made sure that three kids were in three different locations so they could each participate in the extracurricular they wanted to. No one else sacrificed their time for ME.
Then, there's the fact that this year, I'm also a mom. THE mom to my sweet red-headed firecracker.
I get to change his diapers, get up in the middle of the night when he needs me, and listen to him cry when his teeth are hurting him. But that's just the start. I get to hold his hand as he stumbles through his first steps, comfort him when he's just face planted, make him giggle by tickling his shoulders. I'm the one that he clings to when the cows at the farm scare him. I'm the one that gets to see the grin on his face every morning when I pick him up out of his crib. I see the thrill in everything he points at, whether it's a fan, a car, or the dogs (and if I don't I'm really good at feigning it). And I'm the one he curls into at night when I rock him to sleep.Sometimes being a mom is tough, but I'm tougher.
Earlier this week, I was tickling Finn on the floor. His knees were drawn up to his chest and his four teeth were showing as he was laughing, and I remember thinking if I love this kid any more, my heart may literally explode in my chest. Being a mom is something I'm still learning how to be, but I do know it's a love like I've never known.
Today, when it comes to my own mom I have no choice but to be reflective. I will cry today. I will be sad. But I will also cherish the memories that I have of her and be thankful that SHE was my mom. I will also remember the new-ish fact that I, too, am a mom. I am Finn's mom, and there's so much beauty in that to celebrate.
