The End.

Tonight is the night that I've been dreading since May 29, the last time I really worked. (Ok, maybe that's not true. I did go in to work for eight days in August to get things straight in my classroom and meet my kiddos, but I hardly count that as work.) Tonight is the last night of my maternity leave. 

It's amazing the transformation that can take place in a person in a mere five months. Prior to having Finn, everyone asked me if I would be returning to work. My obvious answer at the time was, "Duh." I thought there was no way I would find fulfillment as a stay-at-home mom. Seriously, what do you do all day? I've worked since I was 15 and I genuinely like being productive (although I'm pretty lazy at home. I like to say that I'm so productive at work that I can be a little lazy on my own time. But I digress).

Then, Finn was born. The first couple of weeks home with him I would watch from the window in despair as Nathan got to leave the house every day to go to his job. He got to escape the madness that is Newborn 101. He left me home alone with this tiny human who required so much of me, and I had no idea how to meet all of his needs. I (briefly) thought about cutting my leave short and heading back full time when summer ended. I was not cut out to stay at home with a BABY.

But as the hormones began to level out (seriously, NO ONE tells you about this part, but it plays into everything!), I realized that Finn just needed four basic things. He needed to be fed. He needed to take a lot of naps. He needed to have his diaper changed. I could do these, but he still sometimes cried. In the early days when Finn would cry, I would literally say to him, "What do you want? Tell me!" I thought my motherly instincts were comparable to a rock - aka pretty much nonexistent. Then one day, I picked him up and I rubbed his back, and I shushed quietly in his ear. You know what? He was quiet. He was content. That's when I realized the fourth thing he needed from me. He needed to be loved. Since then, this has been the easiest need for me to meet. I love him with every fiber of my being, every second of every day.

Yep. Even this face is easy to love.

Since my mom-instincts kicked into high gear, I found that Finn and I had found our groove; created our own routines. From the morning ritual of eating breakfast and playing and reading a story, to the afternoon nap on mama, to the evening bedtime regime, our days were predictable. Our days were ours. Me and Finn. Finn and me. We were a team. A package deal!

Five months ago, I thought being a stay-at-home mom would be an unsatisfactory way for me to live. Now, I fully understand what a stay-at-home mom does all day every day. She mothers her child. She teaches, she learns, she loves. She spends hours making funny faces and noises, doing what it takes to make her baby smile or laugh. She cheers him on when he learns new tasks, be it finding his hands and feet or rolling over for the first time. She takes pride in those small accomplishments. Occasionally when she's feeling motivated she'll do the dishes or laundry or cook some dinner. 

Ask me now how I feel about going back to work, and I'm a bird singing a different tune. What I once would have done anything to get out (staying home with a baby) of is now one of my greatest joys in life. Sadly, it's come to an end.

So, tomorrow begins the next chapter of life in the House of Harris. The chapter where I'm a full-time working mom, and Finn spends more waking hours at a sitter's than he does with me (so sad, right?). I know this is just an adjustment, and we'll make new routines. But man if I won't miss the old ones.

Month Four

Finn is officially a third of a year old. Four months have passed since I gave birth. That has to be one of the hardest facts for me to believe, and it seems more absurd with each passing day.

Currently at four months, Finn weighs 15 pounds, 13 ounces, and is 25ish inches long. He's still in the 75th percentile for everything, including head circumference (which is 17 inches). He got his next round of vaccines at his four month appointment, and while I still made Nathan hold him, I was at least able to stand next to them this time. Oh, and I didn't cry, but Finn sure did. Unlike his two month vaccinations, this time we saw a spike in his temperature. He was still happy and content, but that kid was radiating heat like a furnace in January. Fortunately, it only lasted 24 hours and he got plenty of extra snuggles between mom, dad, and grandma.

Also at four months, Finn is rolling from tummy to back, but only when he feels like it. He'll have days when he'll roll and roll and roll, and then go weeks without doing it again.  I've caught it on video, but it's so sporadic that Nathan is convinced I tied fishing line to him and pull him over myself. Ha! He's also a split second away from rolling back to belly. He'll make it to his side, lay there for a few minutes, and then flop back onto his back. He'll get there eventually, I'm sure on his own terms.

He has found his hands and his feet, and everything ends up in his mouth - from toys, to blankets, to fingers. Anything he can wrap his slimy little fingers around is going to his mouth - or at least in that direction. He's still working on accuracy.

He coos, he shrieks, he LAUGHS. He still cries, but mostly when it's bedtime and he thinks he should be able to stay up with us big kids. Finn certainly enjoys listening to his voice, and it's been entertaining watching him try to figure out how it works and what he can do with it. Sometimes it's as though he's trying his hardest to form words. He'll sit with his little moth open and move his lips. Ultimately, a grunt or gurgle comes out, but I'm looking forward to the day when a real word is formed.

At four months, Finn is still a genuinely happy dude. And he is still ultimately the best thing I've ever done.